Driving fast..
One of the many songs that I could really relate to has a line that says, “Sometimes I drive so fast, just to feel the danger.” That line never fails to wake up my inner dare devil. It makes me want to explore something about everything, and everything about something. It pumps up most of my sleeping energy. I’m not sure though if those lumps of energy are positive ones.
Today, for example, I’ve almost applied for a job without even thinking --- not to mention that my resume is not even up-to-date. I’ve relaxed for a bit, calmed my ecstatic mind. I was too excited about the idea of a job opportunity. I was so challenged to try my skills into something new or something different. I have high hopes that I could finally use what I have learned in my advertising class, the ones that involved creativity.
I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this hundreds of times. And once again, I’m driving way too fast. I’m stepping too much on the gas pedal not noticing that I’m over-speeding. Where would I be after this thrilling ride? Where would this endless road take me? I hope it leads me somewhere menacing.
Feeling the danger..
I must be totally nuts to wish for trouble. And yeah, I must be really bold and brave to try out these new things. It must be my throbbing interest for the unknown. The sudden thrill I feel whenever I do uncertain, spontaneous things. It feels good, I can honestly say that. But I am also well aware that doing certain things could lead into something careless, something unpleasant, something unexpected, and even something dangerous.
Am I feeling the ‘danger’ in my life right now? Yes, I am. I have been embracing the danger every day. Being in this position, and I mean ‘the’ marketing position, gives me a death threat, a daily death threat. I always feel that I am in danger since, to start off, I am not a ‘marketing person’. I am not a business-minded individual. I know nothing about business. I cannot foresee any business-related activities, facts, and trends.
I am having mini heart attacks day by day due to the troubling idea that I am not fit for this job. It is so troubling that it even eats me alive. In fact, it’s devouring me now while I’m trying to finish this post. At this moment, my chest is beating fast --- literally.
What am I fit to do, then? I simply want to write stories, draw pictures, create digital designs and layouts, shoot pictures, record short films, and oh, drive fast. It gives me a high-level of fulfillment whenever I finish something art-related. Wait. Please don’t get me wrong, of course I also feel happy every time I accomplish something marketing-related. It gives me a proud moment that I have done something outside of my comfort zone.
What kind of danger am I really looking for? The danger of producing an indie movie with a very minimal budget, but the story and cinematography can still knock your senses out and would strongly breathe a life into your stereotyped norms.
When can I expect this dangerous activity to happen? I say, in the near future. And in this world’s ever dynamic pace, the future is not so distant anymore. My dream is so simple. I simply want to see my scripts and my stories play on the big screen, with me as the director, by all means. To see that happen, to watch my very own movie, and to see the faces of people who appreciate and understand my art, that would be the most dangerous moment for me. It is so dangerous that it could be fatal. Should that come true, and I know it will, I’ll be more than ready to meet my Father, and I could die a happy death.
Feeling alive..
About twenty years have passed and thankfully, I am still alive. The question is, am I living the life I am supposed to live? Am I doing the things that Father has assigned me to do? Am I part of the right organization, institution, or company? Am I doing the right job Father has tasked me to?
My answer would be a resounding ‘Yes!’ Despite having all the interest to do a different job, in a different field, with a different team, I’m still here. Because after all, this is the job Father has given me __ months ago. This is the job that I have prayed for, the one that I have asked for. I would stay here as long as He planned. I would be here as long as He wanted to.
Being here makes me feel alive. I have driven fast just to beat the deadlines, just to meet new people, just to make new friends, and just to follow people whom I barely know and to treat them as my leaders --- my guide, my potter, my shield, and my dagger. I have felt the danger in every personal debates and differences, in every presentation, in every meeting, in every training and seminars, and of course, in every single task.
In here, I am alive. Every member of this team makes me feel that I do exist. These people appreciate every single second of my existence.
I am alive.
Ten years from now, I would be humbly called as ‘Direk’. And hey, I’m sure I’ll be writing another “Where-Do-You-See-Yourself-10-Years-From-Now?” post.
